


Ground Rules

by SqutternutBosh



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23546749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SqutternutBosh/pseuds/SqutternutBosh
Summary: Gwen knew they’d collectively turned a corner as a team, moving on past the Gray incident, when she caught Jack and Ianto in flagrante in the hub - again. She knew it was time to sit down and have a conversation about appropriate workplace conduct when it happened a third time.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 19
Kudos: 90





	Ground Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of silliness that came to me as I was planning out the next chapter of my Serenity-based fic, Playing House. Seriously though, who else thinks a conversation like this must have happened at some point?

Gwen knew they’d collectively turned a corner as a team, moving on past the Gray incident, when she caught Jack and Ianto in flagrante in the hub - again. She knew it was time to sit down and have a conversation about appropriate workplace conduct when it happened a third time.

Hands over her eyes (though Ianto had dived behind Jack’s desk when he realised she was there), Gwen said,

‘You’ve got two minutes to get dressed, then meet me in the board room. We’re going to set out some ground rules.’

She headed to the aforementioned room and set the breakfast pastries she’d bought for them all out on the table. She wondered whether to get the flipchart and marker pens out so she could write the new rules down. Maybe, she mused, she’d then get Jack and Ianto to sign the paper, agreeing to the new rules and perhaps even some sort of forfeit if they broke them.

Ianto appeared, prompt as ever, in exactly two minutes. He was fully suited, hair neatly styled, and no evidence of what he’d been up to mere minutes beforehand. There was, however, a purple bump coming up on the side of his forehead. He took a seat.

‘Morning,’ he said, clearly trying to pretend nothing untoward had happened.

‘Good morning, Ianto,’ she said politely, playing along for now. The thought flitted across Gwen’s mind that he probably wasn’t the one to blame but then she stopped herself. Ianto Jones had certainly given her indication that he wasn’t as innocent in these matters as he might pretend to be.

Jack swaggered in, grabbed a pastry and proceeded to shove it into his mouth whole. He dropped into his seat at the head of the table.

‘You both know why I’ve called you in here,’ she said. Ianto studied the pattern of his tie intently. Jack held her gaze, unable to comment as he chewed through his mouthful of croissant.

‘I don’t want to come across as some sort of prude, but I think we can all agree some rules are needed here. This is a workplace! And, Jack, I know you mostly like to bring it up when it’s convenient but you are _our boss_. There should be personal boundaries. Do you think this is what it’s like in regular offices?’

Jack’s eyes glinted and Ianto groaned.

‘Don’t bring up offices with him,’ Ianto said.

‘I won’t ask,’ Gwen said. ‘You have to agree though, Jack, that - by twenty-first century standards - you two’s behaviour is not appropriate.’

‘By twenty-first century standards, sure.’

‘Then can you agree to not be naked in the workplace?’

‘But I do also live here.’

‘Go to Ianto’s then!’

‘Have you been to his place? It’s not exactly close by.’

Gwen had to give him that. Why Ianto insisted on living in Radyr when he worked in the Bay was beyond her. And with the Cardiff traffic and one-way systems? She stopped that train of thought as she realised her own internal monologue was taking the shape of one of Rhys’s regular rants.

‘I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to remain clothed during work hours though,’ she said.

‘We don’t exactly have regular work hours,’ Ianto pointed out. Gwen gave him a look.

‘You know I come in at eight, if we’ve not already been called out. I was even running late today, it was ten past by the time I got here after picking us all up breakfast -,’

‘Thanks, by the way,’ Jack interrupted her as he leaned over to grab a cinnamon bun.

‘- you’re welcome. So yeah, it was ten past, you should’ve known you were cutting it fine.’

Jack smirked. Ianto was still avoiding eye contact. He picked pastry flakes off his pain au chocolat but didn’t eat them.

‘I’ve no doubt that’s part of the fun for you, Jack, but it’s not fair when your audience is unwilling.’

Jack’s smirk dropped. ‘That I can agree with.’

‘Ok, so rule one then: No being naked and engaging in sexual activity during the working hours you can reasonably expect me to be here.’

‘That seems fair and very carefully worded,’ Jack conceded.

‘Also, if you are going to get up to anything outside of working hours because you can’t keep it in your pants long enough to get to Ianto’s, can you both agree not to do it anywhere near my stuff?’

‘Fine,’ said Ianto.

‘The desks aren’t a good height anyway,’ added Jack.

‘Ignoring that… Ok, good.’

Jack went to stand up but Gwen put out a hand.

‘Hang on, I’ve got another bone to pick here.’

‘If it’s about the bump on Ianto’s head, that’s nothing to do with me, he banged it on my desk trying to hide from you,’ Jack said.

Gwen had been wondering about that. She felt a bit sorry for Ianto, but based upon the next action on her list, she didn’t feel all that sorry.

‘The flirting,’ she said.

‘What?’ Jack gasped.

‘You might as well try and get him to stop breathing,’ said Ianto.

‘No, no,’ Gwen waved a hand. ‘I know that’s just how Jack talks. He does it to me, he does it to you, he does it to _aliens_ – he does it to everyone.’

‘And… you want that to stop?’ Jack asked.

‘Like Ianto said, that’d be like trying to get you to stop breathing. No, I need you to stop flirting _with each other_ when we’re working.’

‘We’re not that bad,’ Jack protested.

‘Don’t know what you’re talking about,’ said Ianto.

Gwen rounded on him, ready to unleash some observations she’d had bubbling up inside for a long time.

‘Oh, Ianto, yes, you do. I love you like a brother, which is what makes this next bit so strange to say – you are a complete flirt! You are _worse_ than Jack because you’re so targeted! He throws the same cheesy grin at everything that moves, but you - you know exactly what you’re doing, you spend half your day winding Jack up with your over-emphasised vowels and your “Yes, sir”. And don’t think I don’t notice when it gets to a certain time of afternoon and off comes the suit jacket and the sleeves get rolled up! You’re much less overt than Captain Pick-up Line over there but I’m certain your methods are far more effective.’

Ianto was like a deer in headlights. Gwen was sure he’d quite like to dive under the desk again, even if it meant another bump on the head. Jack laughed and slapped a hand on the table.

‘You’ve absolutely nailed him, Gwen. He thinks he’s so subtle but – Ianto, you’ve been _seen_.’

‘Noted,’ Ianto muttered.

Gwen couldn’t but join Jack in laughing at Ianto’s predicament. After a moment though, she calmed and tried to take her serious tone again.

‘Do you both realise what that’s like to work with? There are three of us here and I spend half my day drowning in the flirtatious sub-text of your conversations. Could you at least tone it down a bit? For me?’

‘I’m sure we can dial it back if it’ll stop you drowning,’ Jack said.

‘That’s all I’m asking. Well, that and the thing where you don’t shag anywhere or at any time where I might walk in.’

‘Got it. Is that all, Ms Cooper?’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘Alright then,’ Jack said conclusively, getting to his feet, both Gwen and Ianto following suit. ‘If we’re done here then I think we should get Ianto an ice pack for his head.’

Jack led the way down the hall back to the main hub, Gwen at his heels. Ianto moped slowly behind looking thoroughly reprimanded.

‘Y’know, this isn’t the first time he’s bumped his head on the desk when he was under there, if you-,’ Jack started.

‘Ah-ah!’ Gwen cut across him. ‘One more rule! I don’t want to hear about your shenanigans. Boundaries, remember?’

Jack just winked.


End file.
